I'm 17. I'm confused ⇐ Stories about M+F sex

[Anonymous]

Let's start with the fact that I was bullied from the first grade to 8, but the peak is from 1 to 5, and the rest is just stupid bullies
Because of this, I learned to fight back against people who offend me, but there is no particular trauma
The trauma is only from my mother, she is a fierce fucker and loves only herself and my brother (I have a good relationship with him)
I cut myself from the age of 11, it all started because of my stepfather
I started calling I was fat and just bullied me, bought something for my brother, took him to a cafe, my mother constantly turned a blind eye to this and said that it was my fault
My mother often beat me for complete bullshit, for example, for a lost hat for 300 rubles , or because I swore at my friends
The teachers took pictures of my bruises, and apparently they gave her pussy and she stopped for a while
At the age of 14, we all decided to move to St. Petersburg to live with our stepfather fucking studio
Bullying and mother’s indifference as usual
Well, in short, I lived there for 4 months and the peak was when I almost threw myself off the 6th floor, my mother pulled me by the hair and said "Call your grandmother so that I can buy you tickets back"
A month later they bought me tickets, I left, and my mother and brother stayed there
At the age of 15, I met a company and found a guy there (a year older), he was at first good and I didn’t even think that something could go wrong
It was my first time with him, and accordingly I became very attached to him
After a week of fucking he left me
I cried and drank a lot
He either wrote to me or didn’t write to me for a long time. Swing in general
He called me to have a clean fuck
Then I went from hand to hand to fill myself with love and be happy while they were using me
All this time I hated myself and could not wash myself of the " mud". I cried a lot from the moment I was abandoned and cut myself a lot
At the age of 16 I started dating a guy, he was very good and sweet
We lived with him for a year, then we separated because of his debts
They fought often, swore, but quickly made up and loved each other
Now I don’t understand what is happening
He is a sincere person and will not lie to me
But, this is the feeling as if he is hiding something, or not telling me
I'm afraid that he will leave me and find another
And will love her the same way he loved me
I don't want that, I’m just drowning every day
He comes to me well - he leaves I feel so bad that I just want to die
And when we quarrel he can say something offensive or just block me, and at that moment he I'm starting to get wildly hysterical, I just don't know what to do, there's a veil before my eyes and the only thought is "cut yourself, jump in front of a train or car" and such thoughts at almost every accident
I went out into the street many times to jump under car, but then I realized that I might not die and become disabled and add more problems to the driver
I so want to be free from this, I want to be able to not take everything to heart
I’m too jealous and obsessive
I'm so tired, please help.